- Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
- A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
- A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
- My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
- Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
- A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
- I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
- I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the chop.
- A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
- Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
- Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
- Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
- Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
- A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
- A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumour.
- Without geometry, life is pointless.
- When you dream in colour, it's a pigment of your imagination.
- Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
- When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
- Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures...
How do they circumcise whales?
They send down four skindivers.
"Doctor, Doctor. I feel like a pair of curtains!"
"Go home and pull yourself together."
Researchers have discovered that excessive masturbation can cause sudden attacks of dyslexia. Hwoever htis is olny ni extreem cas s off ovre doing it. K.O?
One good pun deserves another
- A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
- What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
- A backwards poet writes inverse.
- Acupuncture is a jab well done.
- She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
- If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
- With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
- Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
- When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
- The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
- You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
- Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
"If it wasn't for the invention of the Venetian Blind it would be curtains for all of us"
A dentist to his patient: "Your haliotosis is so bad when you burp your teeth duck!"
A small boy is lost so he goes up to a policeman and says "I can't find my dad."
"What's he like?" the policeman enquires. "Beer and women," replies the boy.