Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Foolishness Therapy for Holiday Stress...

Warning: Only for those w/ a good sense of ha-ha...

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse
full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking
to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an
employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She
placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was
curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The
elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are
square.'The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to
win a bet like that..
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said,'Would you like to take my bet?''Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.''Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved,if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morningwith my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank
confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long
time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way
and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no
one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there
was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the
president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the
day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day
before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she
and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the
president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given
the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed
that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly
woman why he was doing that and she replied,'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!'

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One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.

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A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!' The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

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Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.

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A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the
VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies:'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.''Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!''OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?''Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish.'The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Stanley and I'm going to a Halloween party.'

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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen
to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

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Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth . On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
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A Newfie decides to travel across Canada to see the Pacific Ocean. When he gets to Nanaimo, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job. He walks into the MacMillan-Bloedel office and fills out an application as an 'experienced' logger. It's his lucky day. They just happen to be looking for someone. But first, the bush foreman takes him for a ride into the bush in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows. The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree. 'See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains.'The Newfie promptly answers, 'Dat dere's a Sitka Spruce and she got 383 board feet a' lumber in 'er.'

The foreman is impressed. He puts the truck in motion and stops again about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger door window and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class.'Lord tunderin'! Dat's yer Douglas Fir and she got 690 board feet.' says the Newfie.
Now the foreman is really impressed. The Newfie has answered quickly and got the answers right without even using a calculator! One more test. They drive a little farther down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window. 'And what about that one?'
Before the foreman finishes pointing, the Newfie says, 'A Yeller Cedar, 242 board feet at most.'The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little pissed off because he thinks that the Newfie is smarter than he is. As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks the Newfie to step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, 'See that tree over there. I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree.'The foreman thinks to himself, 'Idiot! How would he know which is the front of a tree?'When the Newfie reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white X on the trunk. He runs back to the foreman and hands him the chalk. 'Dat's da front a' dat tree fer sure.' the Newfie states, cocksure.The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, 'How in the hell do you know that's the front of the tree?'The Newfie looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies, 'Cuz someone took a shit behind it!'
He got the job . Three weeks later, he became the foreman.

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When Cardboard Men Come In Handy
A car gets a flat on the interstate one day. The driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.
He takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up.
It isn't very long before a police car arrives. The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the driver of the disabled vehicle yelling, 'What's going on here?'
'My car broke down, officer' says the driver calmly.
'Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?' he asks.
'Helllooooooo!!!!' says the driver. 'Those are my emergency flashers!'

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Grandmas don't know everything

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,'Grandma, what's that thing called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling' Little Tony just said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.

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WHERE WOULD YOU BE?
IF - YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES?
IF - YOU HAD NO WORRIES?
IF - YOU CAME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU?
IF - YOUR BATHWATER HAD BEEN RUN?
IF - YOU HAD THE PERFECT KIDS?
IF - YOUR PARTNER WAS AWAITING YOU, WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES...
SO, WHERE WOULD YOU BE?
HELLOO!!!!!!!!!
YOU'D BE IN THE WRONG F#*@ING HOUSE!

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Who Wants To Be A Millionaire Newfie Style

Mick appeared on the Newfoundland version of "Who
wants To Be A Millionaire" called "WHO WANTS TO
BE A NEWFIONAIRE" and towards the end of the
program had already won $500,000.

"You've done very well so far," said the show's
presenter, but for $1,000,000 you've only got one
lifeline left, phone-a-friend. Everything is riding on this question.
Will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"OK. The question is: which of the following birds
does NOT build it's own nest ? (a)Robin ( b)Sparrow
(c)Cuckoo (d)Thrush."
" I hasn't got a clue," said Mick, "So I'll use my last
lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in
Come-Bye-Chance."
Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances
and repeated the question to him.

Fookin Ell, Mick!"cried Paddy. "Dat's just simple logic....it's
a Cuckoo."
"Are you sure, Paddy?" asked Mick. "I'm fookin sure" replied
Paddy. Mick hung up the phone and told the TV presenter,
"I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."
Is that your final answer?" asked the host.
"Dat it is Sir."

There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed,
"Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won
$1,000,000!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him
a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in God's name did you know it was the
cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest? I mean you know fook-all
about birds."
Fer fooks sake!" laughed Paddy. "Lord tunderin Jaezuz
everybody knows a fooking cuckoo lives in a clock!"

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Rufus and Clarence
===================
There were two old men living in the backwoods of the Ozarks
.... Rufus and Clarence.
They lived on opposite sides of the river, and they hated each
other. Every morning, just after sun-up, Rufus and Clarence
would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at
each other. "Rufus!!" Clarence would shout.
"You better thank yor lucky stars I cain't swim ... or I'd swim this river and whup your behind!!" "Clarence!!!" Rufus would holler back."You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I cain't swim ....or I'd swim this river and whup your skinny behind!!!"
This happened every morning for twenty years. One day the Army Corps of Engineers comes along and built a bridge. Still, every morning, every day for another five years this yelling across the river goes on, even with the bridge. Finally .... Mrs. Rufus had had enough."Rufus!" she squallers one day. "I cain't take no more!! Every day for 25 years you've been threatenin' to whup Clarence. Well, there's the bridge .... have a go at it." Rufus thought for a moment. Chewed his bottom lip for another moment."Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place,"I'm gonna across that thar bridge and I'm gonna whup Clarence's behind!!!"
He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge,walked about halfway over the bridge, looked up .....
TURNED TAIL AND RAN SCREAMING BACK TO THE HOUSE, SLAMMED THE DOOR, BOLTED THE WINDOWS, GRABBED THE SHOTGUN AND DOVE, PANTING AND GASPING, UNDER THE BED!!!!!
"Rufus!" cried the misses."I thought you wuz gonna whup Clarence's behind!!!" "I was, woman, I was!!" he whispered."Rufus!" cried the misses. "What in tarnation is the matter?" "Well," muttered the terror-stricken Rufus, " I went to the bridge .... I stepped up on the bridge .... walked halfway over the bridge .... looked up ...." "And?" asked Mrs. Rufus, breathless with suspense. "And," continued Rufus, "I saw a sign that said ..."Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches" .... he ain't never looked that big from the other side of the river" !!!

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A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special
effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time. Just he and his granddaughter. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather.'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?''Oh yes, Papa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shit head anywhere we went today!' Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?

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A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!'
'The cop asked, 'What's he like?' The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,'Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits.'

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My five-year old students are learning to read.Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, 'Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!'
I took a deep breath, then asked...'What did you call it?''It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!'And so it does...
' A f r i c a n Elephant '
Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?

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INSIGHT, by George Carlin... if you missed it before...
GEORGE CARLIN (His wife recently died...and George followed her, dying July 2008)
Isn't it so very eloquent...and so very appropriate.

A Message by George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge , but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom but not our prejudice. We write more but learn less. We plan more but accomplish less. We've learned to rush but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

If you don't send this to at least 8 people....Who cares?

George Carlin

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